I spent several days over the recent holidays with my parents--my dad, 87, and mom, 86. I'm lucky that they are both still around and doing very well. Like nearly everyone else, I've grown up with tidbits of stories about their lives. As they get older, I worry that these stories will be lost forever. So I did something that I'd suggest you consider for your own family and encourage your clients to do as well: I sat down with each of them separately, with a list of questions, and recorded the discussions.
As advisors, we talk a lot about holistic planning. And after all, true wealth management takes the entire family dynamic into account. The better we understand the families we serve, the better we can help them. Encouraging client families to record their stories is one excellent way to accomplish this.
It's not hard. I used a small Olympus 3000 digital recorder (about the size of an iPod) that I sometimes use in client meetings. Each time we took a break, I downloaded the file to my computer to ensure that I didn't run out of space. (On the computer, it's just like listening to an MP3 file.) On completion, I'll send the files off to a transcription service to have the interview in written form. Then, I plan to give the material to a writer friend of mine and have her work with it to develop a cohesive story that I can share with my kids, my sisters and their kids, and anyone else who might have an interest. We'll probably incorporate some pictures into the completed project, so that it will make for a nice family treasure.
One of the keys to making this a successful project was thinking about what I wanted each parent to talk about. I wrote up an outline--three pages long for each of them. Despite its length, I'm sure there were plenty of things I left out; you can't sum up a full life in just three pages. Still, it helped me remember the key points I wanted to be sure to cover. I wanted to get some basic facts and figures and go over favorite stories, but there were also plenty of things I'd never really been quite clear about, and I wanted to ask about them as well.
I tried to conduct the interviews with as little intervention on my part as possible. I wanted them to tell their stories and share their remembrances without interruption, giving them an opportunity to be emotional, to be themselves, as they thought about the important parts of their lives. I interviewed them separately, and at one point had to ask my dad to leave while I was interviewing mom--I felt it was more respectful to have all the focus on just the one interviewee, and also, that I might get more information from each of them if the other wasn't present.
I'd recommend starting with a "genogram" to help identify all the family players. The genogram is a convenient organizing device used by many therapists, educators and family consultants to develop a graphic representation of a family tree displaying detailed data on relationships among individuals. It contains basic data found in family trees such as the name, gender, date of birth, and date of death of each individual, as well as number of marriages, number of children of each marriage and birth order. Additional data may include education, occupation, major life events, chronic illnesses, social behaviors, nature of family relationships, emotional relationships, and social relationships--which can help begin to suggest patterns within a family. Genograms can vary significantly because there is no limitation as to what type of data can be included. (To learn more about genograms as a tool, see http://www.genopro.com/genogram/ or http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Genogram.)
Once you have a diagram of all the players in the family and how they fit together, questions inevitably arise about many of the men (squares) and women (circles), what they did and how they came to be who they were, or why they reacted to circumstances as they did. For example, I was curious about the Great Depression and the impact on my parents' lives and that of their families. I'd heard plenty of stories, but I had never really put them together to get a clear picture about a number of things.
We all have times in our lives which stand out for the impact they have had on us. School years are always a time of personal growth and development. While we change as we age, much of whom we become has been well formed by the time we leave school. So I wanted to know more about my parents' experiences, honors and troubles, their involvements and relationships during their school years. Why had they both chosen Stanford, and what were their memories of those years?
For many of their generation, the Depression was a struggle, but it was also a time of triumph, a time of individualism and community. What was their experience, and how were their lives impacted by this significant era? What sacrifices did their parents or others make for them, and how did they feel about that? Who were their friends? What job opportunities were there, and what did they learn from their experiences?
Both my parents served in World War II, so I certainly wanted to know more about that experience. My dad was a Marine Corps dive bomber pilot in the Pacific theatre. Many of his friends died, and others became best buddies for the rest of their lives. I wanted to know about his thoughts and feelings when he joined up, went through training and on to his first mission. Until recently, he seldom spoke about his war experiences. He always said that, after the war, everything else was "downhill," so I wanted to better understand the events, the people, and his feelings about his involvement. My mom was a Navy WAVE officer, trained in communications and stationed mostly in New York City. Her presence freed up someone else to enter the battles. I wanted to know why she had taken this step, more about what she did and how it impacted her.
My parents married almost immediately after the war ended. It's always interesting to hear how your parents met, what the attraction was and what the proposal and marriage ceremony were like. I didn't even remember where they went on their honeymoon or where they lived afterward, so this was a great chance for me to record this information.
Going over the highlights of those early years was a meaningful experience for all of us. At the same time, it gave me a chance to ask questions I hadn't earlier about how they made the decisions they did, about their parenting philosophies and the values they wanted to impart.
Families grow up and careers progress. While I was on familiar ground with most of this period, I don't think I had ever thought about those years from their perspective. This time, I wanted to hear not just the memories, but also about the struggles, the decision points and the emotions--from their point of view.
As we took this opportunity to look over their lives, I wanted to know what they recalled as their best and most memorable times. As important as anything else, I wanted to hear what knowledge and insights they wanted to share with the family.
Most of us enjoy talking about ourselves, and both my parents appreciated the opportunity to reminisce. Even more, they enjoyed the fact that someone wanted to hear about their experiences. I think it was a rare treat for them and a wonderfully rewarding experience for me personally as I heard again about the lives of people I love.
If your parents or someone you care about are still around and able, I recommend that you, too, take the time to think about things you would like to know and then spend the time to ask and to listen. It's a special and loving experience. Once you've done so, tell your clients about the experience and encourage them to create treasured memories of their own. On a practical level, it will help them identify what is important to them and clarify their own desires for the future.
Norman M. Boone, MBA, CFP, is the founder and president of Mosaic Financial Partners, Inc. a San Francisco-based fee-only financial planning and investment firm.
